It seemed like a
switch had been turned on when I turned sixteen. In the same day. What I saw
and felt was different. I was no longer the girl that lived carefree. It felt
more as if I was burdened with a new feeling. I wanted something more than I
did yesterday. What I longed for was to be loved.
The feeling grew
until I was sick to my stomach. Literally hunger had vanished and I was anxious
at everything. Nothing would stop it and I scolded myself for being so
ridiculous. I was a young woman, some would say a young girl, and here I was
being a fool and wanting love.
It seemed like no
boy ever looked at me. I once had a crush in elementary school. I wouldn’t even
say it was a crush. He was in my math class and I sat right next to him. One
day, maybe the boldest thing I did in my life of my life, I wrote on my folder
that said ‘I like you’ and slid it towards him so he could see. We were already
best buds before, so he responded with ‘me too’. Well, we never kissed or held
hands, those lovely dovey things kids try to pretend to do in grade school. Let
say I change schools and he gave me warts all over my hands. (Don’t worry
people, that was many year ago.) Despite that, he was a really good friend and
that was before we had hormones and he reached puberty.
I know I’m
beautiful, that God created me beautiful, and that I was created to be
captivating. Then why do I feel so un-beautiful
to guys? Like I wasn’t pretty enough for their attention, that there was always
some prettier, more outgoing girl in the room. Any guy I had a crush on, I
would compare myself to him. Things like ‘he doesn’t like those kind of girls,
girls like me’, or ‘I’m too shy for him. He probably thinks I’m a snob’.
It was something
that I tore myself over about. I always put myself below these people, like I
wasn’t equal with them. I felt as if I didn’t have anything good to offer to
the table and I would be lucky if he ever talked to me, let alone looked at me.
It’s so hard to pull
myself up, out of the slump of lies. It’s so hard to feel the worth that I was
given. God created Eve for Adam. That he sealed the creation with Eve, the
mother of all things and Adam’s helper. Am I Eve too? Was I created with
purpose and a piece of God?
These past few
months have been eye openers to me. It has shown me the woman I want to become
and the life I want to live. I fight the many struggles, so many other girls
like me have to face every day. And in reality, it is really exhausting.
Spiritually and mentally. Always feeling like there is something, someone out
there that is worth more than you. I just have to push back the lies and see
the truth; over and over again if I need too. The freedom from the lies Satan
has embellished in my soul needs to be banished. I want it to be gone so I can
enjoy the life and time I have on my own.
There is someone out
there for me and I am his standard of beauty. Until then, I have many things to
fix, many things to experience and many things to discover with God.
