Lately

Lately I have been feeling quite inadequate. That I am not smart enough, thin enough and talented enough.
Lately I have been feeling artificial. There are words coming out of my mouth, but not meaningful enough to take form.
Lately I have been feeling lonely. Is it weird I want the comfort of another person but not the commitment? Yet I do not even know how to flirt.
Lately I have been feeling as if I am not kicking enough ass. I compare my success to what I see in others. Sometimes ass kicking is subtle.
Lately I have been feeling as if I am failing. Am I doing enough with my life?

The Land Bound Flight Attendant

 It is day 4 of 5 since being in my hotel room in Montreal, Quebec. After first it was only a three day trip, but than turned into 4, than 5 as storm Jonas ripped through the east coast. As I scrolled my Facebook to kill time, I saw that my other flight attendant friends were in the same predicament as I. They were all land bound.

  Most of my crew grumbled about the layover, but I was excited. It was mt first time in Montreal, so I was going to use the opportunity to explore. So that's what I did. 

  I took the 747 bus from the airport to downtown Montreal. I explored Peel St, a shopping district where hundreds of shops were all located underground so that you would not have to be exposed to the harsh winter air. I explored intricate Cathedrals and got to hear a grand piano echoing off the church's 200 year old walls

   Then I went over to Chinatown, where the streets bustled despite the -10 degree weather. My mouth watered at the sight of the decorated pastries that popped with color and appeal. My fingers warmed around a bowl of sumo ramen, which I was told the owner made from complete scratch.

  Merely walking down the streets gave me exposure to the architecture and diversity of the city. Conversations in French floated past my ears and almost everything was in written in French. Made me wish I knew more, but I was still well received whether I knew it or not. 

  I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to visit Montreal. Any other layover, I doubt I would have had the time to explore the city like I was given now. 

  Oh, it can be boring sitting in a hotel room for days on end, but I also have to remind myself that I am sitting in a hotel room. There is a comfy bed, heated air and breakfast offered to me every morning. That is more than what some people get in their entire lifetime. Even in New Jersey, people are having to leave their homes and power outages are leaving them in the cold. 

  I would say the storm is affecting me, but really it's not. I am not outside shoveling layers of snow or worrying my home is going to be destroyed. I am not one of the 31 people who have died because of storm Jonas.

  I understand not every person was given the opportunity like I did. I know some are bound to their houses or rooms because of the storm or do not have the opportunity to venture out like I did. The frustration is understandable, but I ask that we all put it in perspective. 

  Think positive and stay safe! 

  

  

You Have the Right to Reserve Proactively

It is day two on reserve and I have not gotten a call yet. Forever in my jammies, I say, as I load another episode of "Mysteries of Laura" on Netflix.
  The nagging feeling in the back of my head tells me that I am not using the most of my time. Before I was a flight attendant, when I lived full time at home and had a normal full time job, this would have been more acceptable to me. I would have felt that I earned this relaxing time more because of the hard work that I did that day.
  Reserve life is different than that. You can be on duty all day, waiting for a call from crew tracking, but in reality not doing anything at all. For me I have an hour and a half call out time to be at the airport if crew tracking calls me, I really cannot go anywhere. Or anywhere far in fact. Since I am based in D.C and live part time in a hotel far from anything walking distance, I have no other choice than to hang around the hotel room most of the day.
  By nature I am a proactive person. Laying around sounds indulgent at first, but then tiring after the 3rd, 4th hour of the 2nd day in a row. Proactive me wants to get things done, go somewhere, do anything but sit and watch another episode of "The Office". Really, I just want to have meaning outside my job. I want to feel like I am using the most of my days, rather than just sitting and wasting away.
  Trust me, I was warned of the "reserve nightmares" as many of the flight attendants like to refer to it. I was prepared for the countless dead days, of waiting and waiting till you finally get the call to action. I knew the pros and cons of this job, but now I want to maximize it.
  I can feel it in my bones, literally! I feel my body calling out to move, to grove, to do something different for a change. And I have addressed those issues, because I want to help myself before I completely lose myself.
  I don't want to lose myself physically, but also not emotionally or spiritually. I don't want to become so compliant sitting around, I forget who I am outside of this jobs. My fear is that I will forget who I am . My passions, my interests, my hobbies, my inner being.
  I believe that is when balancing is very important for me. Because I like to be in control of my life, I sometimes feel like I am out of control when the days slip pass me and I successfully completed a season of "New Girl" and barely moved an inch from my bed to the kitchen. I hate to admit it because it sounds like I am a complete slob, but there are days when it's hard to motivate yourself to getting up and merely taking a walk around the hotel complex.
  I don't want to make the impression I am ungrateful for this job or no longer enjoy it. Neither of those apply to me, as I am beyond blessed to be living out my dreams. Let's just say, my dreams turned out to be a bit different. But that's okay with me. It presents a new challenge for me to do life. The flight attendant life is different than the average life and with that comes unique ways to balance the new opportunities that are presented to me.
  I just need to remember to remember who I am. Just because I am far away from, doesn't mean I need to be far away from me.

My friend

She is scrambling.

  Her finger tips are losing hold on the illusion of sturdy walls around her. Slowly and deliberately, they are moving farther and farther away from her. Her heart flutters in waves of panic, her rapid breathing reflecting her soul. With desperation, she tries to cling to what she knows. Splinters become embedded under her fingernails.

  If only she knew.

  If only she knew how loved she was. How the walls moving away from her are not a curse, but a means to surrender. I wish she knew her value. That she doesn’t deserve side remarks, one-night stands and shallow touches.

  My heart cries for her. My heart cries for all the times she came to me and gave me her sorrows. She spilt them on my lap, her thoughts disorderly, her wants misconducted. She tells me she wishes she knew the answers to her pains and sorrows. I tell her there is a way, but her ears are shut to anything else but her suffering.

  How do I show her she is worthy if her heart is closed? How do I put words into her mind that make her reestablish her value from nothing to something that is priceless? I see her falling and I try to help her stand. I reach my hand towards her.

  Here, let me help you. Let Him help you. Let Him take care of you my friend. Let Him love you.

  The desperation in her eyes is unbelievably heavy. My friend, please take His hand. She politely declines and turns back to her crumbling tower. They give her a sense of security while there is none.

  I want to yell out and force her to take my hand, but I know that’s not how it works. Slowly, He is folding down the walls around her heart. Slowly, God is showing her that her ways are not working.

  They tell me as a Christian, I plant a seed. Sometimes it does not feel that way. Planting a seed is when the soil accepts it. It feels like I am just trying to dig a hole in the stubborn ground, dry from the drought. Chipping away layer of layer of rusted dirt, trying to find the core.

  He will not grow tired. He will not cease to pursue her heart. My friend, He will not leave you. You may believe you are fighting the dark alone, but He is there, waiting for you to look back and accept His help.

Murky Waters

The lonely feeling came to her even when she believed her life was not that bad. She had a steady job, a close friend and was going to school full time. Things were coming along well.

 Her life was normal and good. Except that terrible, burdening ache that always came to her. It would approach at dinner, as she picked at the rice in her bowl. A slight tingling of sadness. Nothing too much she could push away and finish her meal. As she watched her nightly shows, it came back to her this time more forceful. Almost knocking the breath out of her. Her eyes stung and she gulped back the strong urge to sob. She didn't- wouldn't let it take over her evening. At least not yet.

 In her bedtime routine, she brushed her teeth, washed her face and laid out her clothes for tomorrow. She even decided to get the coffee pot ready for the early morning rush she would be faced with.

 She liked to be prepared.

 Then it was time for bed. She creaked open the door to her room, hesitating at the entrance. Her bed was neat, made up cute and girly.

 To any other person, it would appear comforting and inviting, yet she knew what would greet her when she would lay her head on the pillow. That feeling again. The aching, forceful, invading doom of loneliness that would engulf her. No matter how many times she tried to shove it away, sadness always won. It would not let up until she fell asleep, sniffling, her body physically exhausted of itself. The result after a hard battle that she did not conquer.

 She sucked in through her teeth. Now or never. She flicked the light switch off and dragged herself to the side of the bed. Slowly, she folded back the sheets and at once the feeling kicked in.

  Almost if on que. Her eyes welled and she looked to the ceiling to tilt the salty tears back in. She did not want this to start. She did not want to begin this cycle all over again.

 But it was too late. Tucked into fetal position, she let the day's sorrows overwhelm her. Loneliness was more than a feeling. It was her. 

It hung back in the shadows as she went along with her day, but as soon as she was alone enough, he would haunt her with his heaviness. Whispering lies of despair into her ears.

 She blew her nose and settled after a solid cry. She wondered how she never ran out of tears, crying each night before she fell asleep. Is there no max to sadness or does it simply

 go on forever? Can one not simply weep away their sorrows? If only the solution was there.

 She wrapped herself further into the sheets, comforted by their coolness on her face, but aware of how alone she was. So very aware of every empty inch around her. Heavy eyes drooped shut, her breathing became even.. The anxiety, sadness and loneliness melted off as she went into a comatose state. Being asleep, she wouldn't have to feel anything. It was a haven from the plights of being alive.

 Here, she was simply fine. And that was okay with her.

 Tomorrow she will wake up, refreshed and ready for the day. She'll get dressed, brush her teeth and make a semi-healthy breakfast. Most of her day will run smoothly, except for the minor bumps and bruises. Which are easily fixable. Her mood will be chipper, the empty feeling in her stomach far in the corner of her mind. She might even believe it gone. It was times like these she held onto hope.

 But she feared the sunset, like a curse in a fairy tale, nothing could stop it from running it’s course. As it dips into the horizon, so will the loneliness dip into her heart and then splash all at once, engulfing her in the murky waters.